a string to connect pieces of my life

Monday, May 29, 2006

X-men (2): super power

Warning: movie spoilers included.

What is the power I want if I could choose from X-men?

The first thought was that I wanna be able to run through walls or any object. It could be a lot of fun. And it is very practical too, if you know what I am saying.

Ice and fire could be interesting too. Between these two, I will go for ice. I am afraid that I won't be handle fire well. And now the weather is so hot. It probably affects my preference.

At first I didn't take storm into my consideration. The reason is that I didn't like her in the movie. She is always serious. But thinking about changing the weather, being storm might not be bad at all.

Here comes the question: how about Jean?

She is the most powerful mutant and has double personalities. Professor successfully suppressed her dark power in the first two movies. In the third one the power was so out of control that she killed the two people she loved most. And it finally got herself killed by wolverine, who deeply loved her.

The movie gave me the impression that the release of Jean's desires or super power lead to a total damage of her life, which I can definitely relate to the reality. At certain points in my life I had the strong desire of destroying something or ruining somebody's life. What if I had that kind of power, would I use it? Could I be happier? Maybe, maybe not. But is it a good thing to simply suppress them? To this, I will be able to give a better answer after I finish "the journey of desire".

There are certain "super powers" for which I have no desire at all. For example, Spike. What is the point of that? As Brian said, he can only kill people who hug him. Or, Angel. I wished I could fly, but I don't want to carry two big wings all the time. Besides, it will be really difficult to buy clothes with two holes on the back.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

X-men (1): I love Wolverine

Warning: for those who haven't seen the movie and still want to see it, this blog contains certain spoilers.

Basically, Logan (wolverine) fulfilled all my dreams for a perfect guy. Although I fell for him right after he told Rogue that it hurt each time when the knifes come out of his skin, here are more reasons (if love needs reasons):

He is handsome. (Well, I might have misjudged his looking from other Hugh Jackman's movies.)

He is smart. He knows what's right and never hesitates to do it.

He is funny. He keeps his humor no matter how bad the situation is.

He is strong enough to protect you.

He is a good and loyal friend. Whenever Rogue was in trouble, he was there for her. And he gave her the right advice.

He is not restraint by any rule, in a good way.

He is a bad boy, but he falls for good women.

He would die for the one he loves.

The only question is: did he really have to kill Jean?

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Korean comedy?

When I got home today, my mom was watching the last episode of the Korean drama. And my dad was in the kitchen, needless to say. So I chose to hang out with my mom.

"Is this his ex-wife?"
"NO!!! This is his mom. " My mom was surprised by my ignorance. "She was pregnant but her dad didn't want her to marry the guy she loved. So her dad adopted her son as his son. He was her brother, but now he knows that she is his mom."
"What's this guy then?"
"He was the other guy's brother, but he has been calling him uncle."
Mom, are you trying to confuse me?!

Then the main characters met after two years of separation. The girl started crying as soon as she saw the guy.
"Why is she crying?"
"Too many things happened between them." My mom was like totally into the scene.
"But it has been two years! Is it still necessary to cry?"
"You didn't watch it. You don't know how it feels."
I certainly don't. Mom, you are absolutely right. But I do wish I had more time to watch it with you. We could have turned the drama into comedy.

Then later in the evening I took my parents to Costco for a little shopping. Around one of the open freezers, they were so excited. "Wow, they sell all kinds of tofu here! Let's take this one." They are big fans of tofu.

Really? Wait...."They are cheese, not tofu." I am sorry, mom and dad. I think Costco should sell tofu too.

Monday, May 22, 2006

think of a few friends

There was nothing special about that sunny afternoon. I was sitting by the field, watching my friends playing basketball and holding clothes for the guy I had a crush on.

It is just that the happiness was so pure, and we were young and naive.

Long after we separated, I started to realize how I miss them and all those days. And how they had spoiled me.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

I am full!

Almost everyday on our way to pick up our cars, Brian and I would have a little conversation like this:

Me: "What are you going to have for dinner?"
Brian: "I dunno."
Me (sigh): "Me either."
Me (desperately): "What should I eat?!!"

Now I can announce that it shall not happen again. Well, to be accurate, not again for at least one month, because my parents are here to visit me, and cook for me. So I don't need to worry about not only the dinner but the lunch, which is such a relief, if you sort of know me.

Usually my dad is in charge of the real cooking process, my mom washes the dishes, and I deal with the processed food. In another word, I eat without giving any efforts, which has been so great.

While writing this blog, a horror suddenly struck me. How am I going to live after my parents leave? Hmm, it might be worthwhile to hide their passports.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

live the moment

Today an old friend of mine told me that my blog is sort of depressing. From now on, I shall try not to dwell too much upon the grey side of my life.

Actually, this week has been a blessing. Things worked out beautifully. People offered help which was beyond our expectation. Those were the precious moments in the long period of research work.

So how do I think of the moments when I feel most alive? This is one question I was asked today.

Mostly grateful. No matter whether the moments were good or bad, I am grateful for what happened in my life. I feel truly blessed for the wonderful people I met and the great times I had. At the same time, I am glad that I survived the bad days and became wiser and stronger.

Sometimes things I appreciate are so trivial. Like each time I drive passing by Huron river through Huron Parkway, I would think how I love the view and the city. Pretty lame. But it's true.

Monday, May 15, 2006

just procrastination

Although I have tons of things to do and have to prepare for tomorrow's meeting with one of my advisors, although my daily visitors are basically Brian and myself, I don't wanna do anything else now but write this pointless blog.

God, please make things work and help me stay away from procrastination.

Saturday, May 13, 2006


This week has been dramatic so far. I am freaking tired / frustrated / depressed now, both physically and mentally. Seriously I don't know how much farther I can go like this.

I know I have issues with communication, partially because of different language and culture here and partically because of myself. Like these two days, maybe things could have been better if I was better at communication. However, the situation ended up in a way I didn't want it to be. I hope it's just a matter of communication instead of other problems, then at least it still has chance to be sorted out.

Since I was a little kid, I realized I was terrible at talking to strangers or in public. When I was in preschool which was pretty much like a real class, the teacher liked to ask us to stand up and answer some questions such as what's sum of 1+1. Although I knew the answer to each single question, all I did was just standing there with my mouth shut. Then the teacher would get upset because I wouldn't even say a word, so I sometimes had to stand there quite long until the class was dismissed.

Things got better after I grew up and talked to more people. With very close friends, I could be very talkative and fully express myself. But still, I could never deliver a clear point promptly without thinking it over in my head, which usually took several minutes or longer. So by the time I was ready, the topic was already switched to another one. I really admire people who can talk for hours about anything (like my advisor) or who are able to make strong arguments.

Hesitating to start a converstation with strangers is a common issue to a lot people including myself. For me, the reason could be that I am afraid the other person won't be interested in talking to me. It's safer to stay where I am and say nothing. Also, it has been difficult for me to interrupt a converstation, even in kind of emergent situation. So whenever there is other person talking, I will mostly keep silent.

Another issue with me is that when I feel misunderstood by people who I think are close or dear to me, I sometimes got so upset that I couldn't say a word besides trying to hold back my tears. It doesn't help to develop a healthy relationship at all.

The more I learn from life, the more I realize how important good communication could be. Currently this is the skill I wanna improve most.

Friday, May 12, 2006

where did time go

It has never been a problem for me to waste time on nothing. Like tonight, I wanted to get some paperwork done for renewing my I-20. Before I started anything, there would certainly be fair amount of time devoted to web browsing. Then my friend Rui came to chat with me, while I continued talking to another friend in China through messenger. At the point I felt I was ready to work on the forms, it was 10:30pm. So, time to go home for "Simpsons".

Well, I know where my time went, but how come it passed so fast?! I didn't even truly procrasinate yet.

Also, there are so many books waiting for me. I am half way through "mere Christianity", with which I could probably celebrate the anniversary if I don't finish it soon. It is not like I didn't enjoy it. However, there was hardly a chance for me to really sit down and have some time with it. I read 20 pages of "the four loves", just started "the journey of desire" and want to read the book Ciara recommended. Yesterday Jillian mentioned another book "my sister's keeper", which sounded interesting too.

I do wish someday I could read books in English as fast as I read stuff in Chinese. Then I would be able to finish all those books in no time.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

feeling better

Things are getting better, I think. I got really focused on the new task, and started to feel comfortable with what people expected from me. There are still lots of problems, but the future definitely looks a little bit promising.

It’s really hard to squeeze some time for my own project and thesis writing. I made some plan, which has been changed again and again. I guess I just didn’t make good plans, or at least not any realistic ones.

My back hurts sometimes because of the work in the lab. It is not that bad. What bothers me is that the fat sitting around my waist goes nowhere although I have to stand hours after hours everyday.

It seems unbelievable that my parents are coming in 8 days! My dad has been in US and other countries before, but it’s the first time that my mom ever comes to a foreign country. I really want to give them some wonderful memories. We will fly to Las Vegas on May 31, and then drive to Grand Canyon.

My original plan was to go to Niagara Fall with them as well in mid June. Since now my schedule is so tight, I am not sure I can do that any more. They are telling me that they are willing to take the trip by themselves. It might not be a bad idea since my cousin lives in Buffalo and my parents will stay with her for a couple of days there, although I haven’t made up my mind yet.

By the way, I have to admit that I am having a new crush. She is so cute and playful. I spent one hour with her last night and totally fell in love with her. I wish I could have more time and see her often. If you are curious about her, through this link you will see her latest picture.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

slow progress

Jia and I went to watch "M:I 3" last Sunday. There is not much surprise in the whole story and action, but it didn't hurt the fact that I still enjoyed it. It brought me back some memories about Shanghai, though I had no idea why they shoot part of movie there. It seemed to me it could happen anywhere.

Before the movie started, I sat there and for a moment couldn't remember which movie I was going to watch. I guess I was too stressed. On Saturday evening, I felt like going to throw up after the dinner. My stomach likes to act weird under the pressure.

Things didn't get much better today. We worked hard, but the progress was slow. All I can do is just to keep working and hope for the best. Since my mind is a single-channel processor, I really want to get my work in this project done so that I can move on to other things. If I tend to do two things together, I will probably end up being more frustrated and getting less done.

I have been learning not to let the frustration in work ruin my relationships. And I think I did make some progress on that. If another person also takes this relationship seriously and give it priority over other things, prompt communication and some consideration usually fix the problems probably.

Friday, May 05, 2006

somewhat disturbed

My mind has been in such an intense status recently that I even missed the right turn to the parking lot this morning. There was really not much to think about, since all the decisions have already been made. Although I was not the decision-maker, what I said or how I acted might have affected another person's life in a dramatic way. Then can I claim that I am totally innocent of all charges? I doubt so.

I can't help but wonder what went wrong with the whole thing, and if there was any chance to make a difference. There must have been moments when I could give some help or advice while I just stayed away. I convined myself that what I was doing was for the best. But how can I define "the best"? Best for what or whom?

It is quite ironic that at one point I thought I had managed my way out, however at last it turned out to be exactly my worst vision in the very beginning. Well, maybe I shouldn't say now it's the worst. It could have been worse, like I had to take whatever was thrown at me and got nothing in return. I truly need to be more grateful for what it is now.

All the things are stacked up. I just don't know how I can accomplish them in the next few months. There are promises of help, but I gotta do what need to be done by myself. It totally seems like mission impossible to me.

We'll see.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

best friends forever? (1)

This idea has been in my head for a while, but I expect somebody would jump out to claim that I steal it from him. Well, I don't care. I am having my second beer, so the nice little buzz now makes me feel that nothing matters.

I have been lucky to have some best friends at each stage of my life, though not all of them left me purely happy memories. The first best friend of mine, as I define it, was the girl in the same class with me in elementary school. She lived in an apartment owned by a factory which processed Chinese medicine. Both of her parents worked there. So each time I went to her home, I had to walk through the big factory and there would be all sorts of unknown herbs lying on both of the road spreading some strange smell. Man, I can almost smell them now. We hung out a lot after school. I still remember that we sneaked out of the school to wander around the river in my hometown and pick some wild flowers.

I never had any doublt that I was also her best friend at that time until one day, she actually asked me this "hey, guess who is my best friend now". I was thinking that surely it's me. And then she said another girl's name. I was totally shocked and deeply hurt. That's one of the moments in my life that I can never forget, though I was only like 9 or 10 years old. Later on, I thought over and over again about what was wrong with everything. All I could remember is that there was one time when she came to my home to hang out with me and I totally ignored her because I was with other friends who were much older than me and I thought were very cool.

But I never asked her whether it was the reason. My pride forbad me to do that. So I acted like I didn't care. I never told her that she was the best friend to me. And since we were in the different classes in grade school, we walked farther and farther away from each other's path. Then finally I totally lost track of her.

Fortunately, I got to know some girls after I went to grade school, with whom I really felt like a family. We basically shared everything together, good or bad. It was so great that I got to see them when I went back to China last year. It's like all the years of seperation didn't exist.

Among them, Feifei was truly like a sister to me. Right after she got her first job, she sent part of her salary to me without even telling me. It was such a wonderful surprise. Though I sent it back right away because I knew she didn't have much money at all, that warm feelings is always there in the deepest of my heart whenever I thought of her. Rong had a very uplifting spirit. She didn't have chance to go to a good college, but she managed all th way to realize her dream. The latest news is that she opened an online store, just bought a nice apartment and was ready to get married. Wen is very caring and considerate. Her daugher is one of the prettiest girl I have ever met. Hey you girls, I hope you are all getting what you want from life.

Here I need to mention that I had a very special friend who had been with me in the same schools for 15 years until graduate school. I was especially close to her when we were in high school. Usually everyday in the afternoon we would lean against the wall outside our classroom talking about all our dreams that we could pursue after we went to the college. She was like my soulmate. Yeah, it was how I felt back then. However, it was my illusion again. Anyway, after we got into the same college, she seemed to me more and more like a stranger.

Until now, I still have no idea of what really happened. Maybe we were just growing up in different ways. As far as I knew, She was a much more practical person than me. There might have been a point where she thought I was too immature to be her best friend any more. Well, I am afraid I will always be that way. See, my mom still enjoys playing video games. What kind of person do you expect me to be? However, I do miss those days with her because after each conversation my heart was as light as a flying bird. It was a great feeling and for that I appreciated this friendship.

(to be continued)