communication

This week has been dramatic so far. I am freaking tired / frustrated / depressed now, both physically and mentally. Seriously I don't know how much farther I can go like this.

I know I have issues with communication, partially because of different language and culture here and partically because of myself. Like these two days, maybe things could have been better if I was better at communication. However, the situation ended up in a way I didn't want it to be. I hope it's just a matter of communication instead of other problems, then at least it still has chance to be sorted out.

Since I was a little kid, I realized I was terrible at talking to strangers or in public. When I was in preschool which was pretty much like a real class, the teacher liked to ask us to stand up and answer some questions such as what's sum of 1+1. Although I knew the answer to each single question, all I did was just standing there with my mouth shut. Then the teacher would get upset because I wouldn't even say a word, so I sometimes had to stand there quite long until the class was dismissed.

Things got better after I grew up and talked to more people. With very close friends, I could be very talkative and fully express myself. But still, I could never deliver a clear point promptly without thinking it over in my head, which usually took several minutes or longer. So by the time I was ready, the topic was already switched to another one. I really admire people who can talk for hours about anything (like my advisor) or who are able to make strong arguments.

Hesitating to start a converstation with strangers is a common issue to a lot people including myself. For me, the reason could be that I am afraid the other person won't be interested in talking to me. It's safer to stay where I am and say nothing. Also, it has been difficult for me to interrupt a converstation, even in kind of emergent situation. So whenever there is other person talking, I will mostly keep silent.

Another issue with me is that when I feel misunderstood by people who I think are close or dear to me, I sometimes got so upset that I couldn't say a word besides trying to hold back my tears. It doesn't help to develop a healthy relationship at all.

The more I learn from life, the more I realize how important good communication could be. Currently this is the skill I wanna improve most.