somewhat disturbed

My mind has been in such an intense status recently that I even missed the right turn to the parking lot this morning. There was really not much to think about, since all the decisions have already been made. Although I was not the decision-maker, what I said or how I acted might have affected another person's life in a dramatic way. Then can I claim that I am totally innocent of all charges? I doubt so.

I can't help but wonder what went wrong with the whole thing, and if there was any chance to make a difference. There must have been moments when I could give some help or advice while I just stayed away. I convined myself that what I was doing was for the best. But how can I define "the best"? Best for what or whom?

It is quite ironic that at one point I thought I had managed my way out, however at last it turned out to be exactly my worst vision in the very beginning. Well, maybe I shouldn't say now it's the worst. It could have been worse, like I had to take whatever was thrown at me and got nothing in return. I truly need to be more grateful for what it is now.

All the things are stacked up. I just don't know how I can accomplish them in the next few months. There are promises of help, but I gotta do what need to be done by myself. It totally seems like mission impossible to me.

We'll see.