Last night I had a long talk with a friend, which reminded me of the pain and frustration I had had in my relationships, especially some of my friendships.
Although I don't ever want to go through the same emotional drainage again, I am glad that my experience helped me understand my friend's pain better. Sometimes I still have similar struggles, but I can see clearly how God has been using my past to help me have a more mature view on my relationships.
It seems awefully easy to love a friend. The truth is that when God uses some incident to reveal the weakness of both parties in a relationship, the easiest thing to do at that time seems to be walking away. It takes a whole lot more strength and trust in God to just hang around, not to mention that you actually need to love that person.
The biggest lesson I learned is that not getting what I need from my friends does not mean that they don't love me. It sounds easy, right? But there is more behind it.
First, it might be true that they don't love me as much as I want them to. And there is nothing wrong with wanting them to love me more.
Second, it might turn out that they don't quite know me as who I am. It doesn't matter how long you have been knowing each other. The fact is that it is way easier for me to know certain people than others.
The last is that every human being is selfish and none is perfect. What our friends can offer us is often limited by their own capacity, and sometimes tainted by their own brokenness. So no one can offer us the love we yearn for from the deep of our heart. I think it is God's trick.
We won't be able to stop beating ourselves up or start forgiving the other party until we accept those facts. Then we need time to heal over our wounds, with the help from God's words and other friends.
On the other hand, if we see a friend in pain, we need to respect their feelings. It doesn't matter whether or not what they say to us can be justified. Their feelings are real. We need to see through their words and understand their brokenness, and love them for who they really are. We should try our best to comfort them, show them our support and at the same time help them see the truth. The truth is that we have many flaws but God still thinks we are worthy.
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Relationships are messy. If a conflict can be handled gracefully, in general mutual understanding gets deepened. Unfortunately it is not the case most of the time.
I wrote a log long time ago and I want to repost it here.
how to forgive a friendI have to admit that it still hurts. A friend whom I hold dear to my heart said something to me the other day that makes me deeply doubt my ability to maintain the sincerity and depth of this friendship.
Also, since I will be leaving, it will be another long-distance relationship in my life. I am not optimistic about that, in general, so I wonder whether it is worth all the effort especially when the other person in this relationship acted as if it was a waste of time.
What is worse is that it was not the first time that I felt this way in this friendship. There are definitely some old scars that triggered my anger and frustration.
Sometimes it seems much harder to forgive a friend than some other people. Because I love my friends and trust that they will love me in return, it makes me more vulnerable to what they say or do to me. Once the damage is made, it will take me a long time to rebuild that trust.
Does it mean that I did not forgive them? No, it is not true. I am not holding grudge against them. But things won't be the same, at least for some time. There is this fear. How can I know when I will get hurt again without any warning?
I don't know how God did that. When Jesus walked on earth, he knew his dearest friends were going to betray him. I guess he was heart-broken.
And I guess the only solution is to keep loving God and obeying him. If forgiveness is what he requires of me to offer, I should forgive with joy and peace a friend or an enemy. And if love is the greatest gift, I need to keep loving, fearlessly, for his love is never failing. My love for my friends and family is not even comparable to what he has given and will be giving to me.
