good to go

I think of death often, even when I was a child. I didn't know why we are here in this world. We are going to die anyway, so why bother?

The main reason that I didn't kill myself is that I have loving parents and I didn't want to break their hearts. There was a long period of time I had this idea that I would follow them once that day comes. Actually I even tried to find a perfect way of suicide for myself which would be relatively painless and elegant.

Ok, now you are thinking I am crazy.

See, there was no purpose for this life when I was a total atheist. I am only speaking for myself. Most atheists I know don't really have this problem at all.

Day by day I waste most of my time doing something routine. Also, everything I do is only to get myself abundant material things, especially to ensure that I have what I need when I am old and unable to earn money any more.

Sure, more money will give me more pleasure and bring great security, then I don't need to worry about the my final years. Still, as long as I have a place to live, some food for my stomache and enough clothes, my life won't change much. All the extra pleasure would be nice, but I am not crazy about it.

Out of that background, the idea of heaven sounds a pretty good deal. Apparently killing myself won't get me there. So I have to live no matter how crappy I might feel in order to get to the place I will not feel crappy any more.

In addition to that, they say we are not made to just live this life like everyone else. I am supposed to live everyday like I could glorify somebody. And that somebody claims that he is the one who loves me most, even more than my parents. All the love I have got is only a reflection of his love for me, like the light of the moon is the reflection from the sun.

I can't say that I totally believe in that, but I don't want to risk it. What if it's true? Well, I guess it doesn't hurt to give it a shot. It can't be worse if I have decided not to live after my parents.

Now I rarely think about killing myself any more, which is good, I guess, to people who care about me. But really it's no big difference to me. I just think I don't have the right to take my own life. It's in God's hands.

The truth is that I have had a pretty good life, though I contantly whine about it. I have been blessed to have loving family and awesome friends. I don't need to worry about money or basic living. And I start to like myself.

But I would be happy to go if God decides to take me. I still hope it would be after my parents though. I will be very lucky if I could die relatively young without worrying about all those stuff like pension or 401K. Hopefully that is his plan for me.

self-realization

Over the years I have found that I had a few false thoughts of myself. It is true that I have changed quite a bit too. At the same time, I have been right about myself in some areas.

First of all, I love food. It is true. And basically everyone knows that about me too. Having some good food after a long day of working makes my life hopeful.

I am a good person. Years ago I would hesitate to say that, but now I am sure that despite all my weakness and struggles, I have a good and kind heart. And I desire to be better.

I am a good friend. The truth is that I wasn't before although I thought I was. Gradually I am becoming a friend that I myself would like to have.

I am a perfectionist. I used to think I was pessimistic. However, I started to realize that I looked at the downside often only because I actually held high expectations for things or people including myself.

Friendship is very important to me. I love my friends and appreciate having them in my life. Seriously, I can't imagine a life without them. And I am very lucky to have some best friends I can ever ask for.

I enjoy research. It sounds so untrue, but deep inside me I lean towards this conclusion. The problem is that I get distracted or give up too easily. Again, I need to work on my self-discipline and perseverance.

I am actually a hard-working person. Well, I can be really lazy sometimes, but I can definitely work hard. And I don't mind working hard at all if given a meaningful purpose, such as helping a friend out.

I like to make sense of this life. I enjoy a good conversation with my friends. It inspires and excites me.

I am a simple person. When I was young, I thought I was pretty sophisticated. No, I am not. To people who get chance to know me and who are interested in knowing me, I am basically an open book.

I can be cheered up easily. I am emotional, so I might get upset often. But a short conversation would just lift up my spirit. I know my friends totally have that ability. Eh? Did anybody say "fooseball"? Yes, that too.

I will always be immature in some way. I would like to keep that child in me. It encourages me to love even though I have been hurt before, keeps me amazed each time when I see the sunset, and laugh and cry when I feel like to.

All in all, I am proud that I kept learning from life every step of my way. I want to be a better person and be more grateful for what I have got.

things I enjoy in a long trip

Here is a chance to use list again.

1. A couple of good friends or just myself;
2. Country music countdown from the local radio;
3. A clear sunny day;
4. Little traffic;
5. Polite drivers who don't try to make you move to the slower lane by intimidating you;
6. Water and tasty snacks;
7. Good views.

I'd come, but everybody's ill here

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(This is a junk email i just got. I didn't expect they actually have stories about those pills. :))

on the road

I am in Iowa again. In general, I don't mind driving. But seven hours by myself is a little bit boring. Yeah, I know it's hard to believe, but I actually get bored of myself sometimes.

There was not much along the road. Once you pass Chicago, there would be farms after farms. I wonder what's in the field now. They all looked green and cheering.

It was nice to say hi to Mississippi River again. Too bad I forgot to bring my camera.

I stopped at Michigan City and shopped for a hour or so. It has been a year since last summer I went there with Rui. Wait, it was actually the one before the last. I plan to go there again with a couple of friends after I graduate. It is just this perfect-size outlet mall by Lake Michigan. So after shopping, we will be able to walk on the sand and enjoyed some relaxing time.

sleepy and tired

It has been a busy weekend.

On Friday night I went to Leopold's to say goodbye to a couple who are starting their new life in Pittsburgh now. Precisely speaking they are friends of Brian's, but I have met them a couple of times and each time we talked I liked them even more. I also have a lot of respect for what they had done for the Chinese church here. It was great that I got to see them the night before they left Ann Arbor. I cherish those moments.

Jinli and I went shopping on Saturday. It was fun, but I was completely exhausted, mentally and physically. And my sleep hasn't been too good either, filled with evil plots, super power, chasing, fighting and arguing (what's up with that?!). Although I made it to the church this morning, I need more rest.

I am learning to say no and practise self-discipline. Part of me wants to go to the movie with my friends, but deep inside I know it's best for me that I spend some time by myself and try to get some work done. I am glad that I am becoming a stronger and more responsible person. It is not so bad at all.

exam (solution posted)

geek jokes

Me coughing continually: "I don't know what's wrong with me."

Brian: "You should have it checked then."

Me: "That's why I am asking!"

Brian: "Oh, I am not a doctor yet."

*************************************

We were having lunch. Our advisor came out of the bathroom and then went straight ahead to his office without stopping by our lunch table, which he usually does because we are his favorite people in the office.

Me: "Is Steve in a bad mood? He didn't talk to us."

Brian: "He is holding a book. Maybe he was too focused."

Me: "Which book?"

Brian: "I don't know. Why?"

Me: "Just wanna make sure I won't borrow that one."

this weekend

I was slipping into depression last Friday, so I decided to enjoy the things I like during the weekend, which turned to be a wise decision, because I am feeling much better now.

I did shopping and bar hopping (thanks Jinli for the good times). I had some good food, started reading another book, and watched two depressing movies. Sometimes it is good to watch depressing movies while I am upset. A way to let it out.

The guy in the last "the bachelor" is incredibly handsome, so I watched two episodes online. It is interesting to see how this guy said those loving words to both final competitors and made all those intimate moves. It's very misleading for the girls because they only had the limited view of him. To be honest, I would never want to be the winner. Well, I might just be jealous.

This morning I even got up and went to the church. However, I didn't know they only have one service during the whole summer. So I wondered in the dark, empty building for a while. What a bummer! Well, at least I tried.

Speaking of which, I guess I can be open with you now that I am very interested in Christianity, though I am sure that every reader of this blog knows that. I simply need something bigger than this life to make this journey meaningful. And so far all the conversations between me and Brian about this religion makes sense to me. So we will see.