good to go

I think of death often, even when I was a child. I didn't know why we are here in this world. We are going to die anyway, so why bother?

The main reason that I didn't kill myself is that I have loving parents and I didn't want to break their hearts. There was a long period of time I had this idea that I would follow them once that day comes. Actually I even tried to find a perfect way of suicide for myself which would be relatively painless and elegant.

Ok, now you are thinking I am crazy.

See, there was no purpose for this life when I was a total atheist. I am only speaking for myself. Most atheists I know don't really have this problem at all.

Day by day I waste most of my time doing something routine. Also, everything I do is only to get myself abundant material things, especially to ensure that I have what I need when I am old and unable to earn money any more.

Sure, more money will give me more pleasure and bring great security, then I don't need to worry about the my final years. Still, as long as I have a place to live, some food for my stomache and enough clothes, my life won't change much. All the extra pleasure would be nice, but I am not crazy about it.

Out of that background, the idea of heaven sounds a pretty good deal. Apparently killing myself won't get me there. So I have to live no matter how crappy I might feel in order to get to the place I will not feel crappy any more.

In addition to that, they say we are not made to just live this life like everyone else. I am supposed to live everyday like I could glorify somebody. And that somebody claims that he is the one who loves me most, even more than my parents. All the love I have got is only a reflection of his love for me, like the light of the moon is the reflection from the sun.

I can't say that I totally believe in that, but I don't want to risk it. What if it's true? Well, I guess it doesn't hurt to give it a shot. It can't be worse if I have decided not to live after my parents.

Now I rarely think about killing myself any more, which is good, I guess, to people who care about me. But really it's no big difference to me. I just think I don't have the right to take my own life. It's in God's hands.

The truth is that I have had a pretty good life, though I contantly whine about it. I have been blessed to have loving family and awesome friends. I don't need to worry about money or basic living. And I start to like myself.

But I would be happy to go if God decides to take me. I still hope it would be after my parents though. I will be very lucky if I could die relatively young without worrying about all those stuff like pension or 401K. Hopefully that is his plan for me.