another year

So today is your birthday. Time goes faster when I get older. Wasn't it yesterday that we went to the movies, sat by the Main Street drinking, had dinner at your apartment, and dreamt about our own coffee shop? Even though I don't ever want to be a student again, I miss those days. I miss all the fun we had together. And certainly I miss you.

There were up-and-downs in our friendship, like any other relationship. But I am happy about where we are. I am lucky for having a friend like you. Anyone should feel lucky for having a friend like you. I know I said this millions of times, but I can't imagine how my life could have been without you and Rui by my side.

I admire you for so many things. You are independent and sharp. I envy your compassion for people in pain and your courage to confront unfairness. And you are so much fun to be with. You are the only person with whom I can EXCHANGE entertainment gossips. Sometimes we have different views on things, but that's why you are always good at reminding me of how I should appreciate what I have in my life. I can't be more thankful for our difference.

You will probably laugh at the idea of "birthday wishes", and I will probably laugh with you. So I give you the simplest.

Happy Birthday!

And I wish you all the best.

one sheep, two sheep, ...

I have been having problem with my sleep, so my friend Natasha suggested me to try counting sheep. According to her, it really helped.

Last Friday night I was wide awake in my bed again. Then I thought maybe I should give it a shot.

One sheep, two sheep, three sheep...hmm, I had a hard time imaging a sheep. Should I switch to bunny? They had this bunny show jumping event on youtube, which is quite impressive. One bunny, two bunnies,...Oh forget it, I will go back to sheep. Nobody ever counted jumping bunnies. It probably won't work.

How many sheep are there now? Nine sheep, ten sheep, ... where are all the sheep going? It might be too crowded there. Focus, focus. Twenty sheep, twenty-one sheep. Hey, you, stay in line. It makes it difficult for me to count!

Forty five sheep, forty six sheep. That black sheep in "Wallace & Gramit" is really cute. What's his name again? They are making a serie based on him. Maybe I should change all the sheep to that image....Ninety-nine sheep, one hundred sheep.

Natasha told me that I would fall into sleep before one hundred. Why am I still awake?!

winter? spring? summer?

The weather is very confusing. The temperature fluctuation is so large that it seems seasons transit in a day.

I wonder if there was hurricane somewhere.

Sidenote: I spent two hours on making beef jerky today. It is not bad, a little too spicy though. I shouldn't have read the cooking section of the message board. It always arouses my passion to make some unrealistic food.

wonder what I could do

I am having sleeping problem again. No matter what time I go to bed, no matter how sleepy I feel, I will end up with lying in the dark wide awake. Sometimes I got up again and read something. Sometimes I just let it be and hoped my mind would rest eventually. There were days I wasted 2~3 hours trying to get into sleep.

It is frustrating not because I didn't get enough hours of sleep. It is that I feel tired and anxious all the time. I know I am not an optimistic person, but this is not me either. It is such a unstable status that smallest disturbance can bring dramatic turn to my mood.

I thought I was in depression, so I went to see a therapist a couple of weeks ago for some professional help. She was a nice lady, and pretty too. However, what she said is something I already knew. So I cancelled my following appointments. This morning she called me and left a message. I don't know what to say to her.

It seems to me that depression doesn't necessarily have anything to do with insomnia, if it's what I suffer now. When I was really depressed, I could sleep a lot of hours and didn't want to get up or work at all. Now it is more like constant anxiety attack. I want to work, but sometimes I am too tired to concentrate. Maybe I will start a fightclub.

I don't want to rely on sleeping pills yet or whatever pills that might help me. I think I need a friend, a confidante. Someone around my age. Someone who understands me and loves me. Someone nearby.

time to leave

I miss Rui and Jia. Without them here, Ann Arbor is not the city I want to make home any more.

Just as Trudi said, I need "people who are good listeners and genuinely care about you". Sadly, I feel quite alone after my friends left. I can still talk to them on the phone, but it is just different.

I have other friends here. Somehow they are emotionally remote although geographically close. Maybe I should put more effort to develop some genuine relationship. I am tired now.

Well, it won't be too long. Let's get out of here.

waves of emotion

I feel bad tonight, mainly because of the job situation. I told a couple of people today that things had been going pretty well and I was happy, but my emotion can be easily changed.

It is not wise to let negative thoughts take control, but from time to time this hopeless feeling is so overwhelming.

How can I distinguish between optimistism and being foolish, or between pessimism and being realistic? Is it determined by the output? Or should I always keep up my hopes?

crush

This is a funny word to me. Before I came to US, I did not know that it can be used as "have a crush on sb." In this context, here is the definition I found.

Crush (Merriam Webster): n. an intense and usually passing infatuation.

Although I have decided not to drive to Cincinnati to visit my friend, who has been more like an acquaintance to me as I thought about it, talking to him reminded me of some silly things I did in college.

Such as, I looked for him in every single classroom and pretended I ramdomly bumped into him. I made him all the holiday cards (I think I was more artistic back then). When I was visiting his home, I hugged his shirt that was hanging in the closet (please refer to "Brokeback Mountain"). The funniest thing was that I thought no one else knew about my crush except some close friends, it turned out even the senior students in my department were totally aware of what I was doing, as one of them became my best friend later and told me the fact. That was one embarrassing moment! :P

My "crush" lasted so long that it might not be qualified for this word anymore. Not that he is a bad person, the truth is that he wasn't worth the time and energy at all. But I guess if it were not him, it would have been someone else, which probably wouldn't make any difference to me.

continue with Simpsons quotes

Troy McClure: what's wrong with me?!
Dr. Zaius (the ape): I think you are crazy.
Troy: I want a second opinion!
Zaius: You're also lazy!

Troy: Can I play the piano anymore? ...
Zaius: Of course you can.
Troy: Well I couldn't before!