wonder what I could do

I am having sleeping problem again. No matter what time I go to bed, no matter how sleepy I feel, I will end up with lying in the dark wide awake. Sometimes I got up again and read something. Sometimes I just let it be and hoped my mind would rest eventually. There were days I wasted 2~3 hours trying to get into sleep.

It is frustrating not because I didn't get enough hours of sleep. It is that I feel tired and anxious all the time. I know I am not an optimistic person, but this is not me either. It is such a unstable status that smallest disturbance can bring dramatic turn to my mood.

I thought I was in depression, so I went to see a therapist a couple of weeks ago for some professional help. She was a nice lady, and pretty too. However, what she said is something I already knew. So I cancelled my following appointments. This morning she called me and left a message. I don't know what to say to her.

It seems to me that depression doesn't necessarily have anything to do with insomnia, if it's what I suffer now. When I was really depressed, I could sleep a lot of hours and didn't want to get up or work at all. Now it is more like constant anxiety attack. I want to work, but sometimes I am too tired to concentrate. Maybe I will start a fightclub.

I don't want to rely on sleeping pills yet or whatever pills that might help me. I think I need a friend, a confidante. Someone around my age. Someone who understands me and loves me. Someone nearby.